#humor

https://x.com/blyssade/status/2038169210333913271

And if you have similar stories, please share them. We could all use a laugh.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but there are other musical genres and artists in the US other than country. :)

I’m here at ISC West laughing at the massive amount of money wasted on these tacky First Alert shirts. Looks like the circus just rolled into town

We Put People First
It's the companies time to make employees feel valued for their efforts! Workers are foundational to corporate success, so it's important to make them feel empowered and valued.

We Power Potential
Unfortunately all the toilets exploded in the Englewood Office while scheduled repairs were being done, and let me say the smell was nefarious and permeated the entire office.

We Value Diversity
At the water cooler, the horrible smell was all people were discussing. This is much different than normal mutual agreement of how much time and energy is wasted sitting in traffic . With these new conversations about the smell of human waste, I have some new business solutions. Truly water cooler conversations are critical to business success, and I'm frankly surprised we even schedule meetings anymore when we all know without the water cooler, we could not succeed.

We Do the Right Thing
I can think of no better irony or metaphor to USBs RTO approach. Employees are forced drive to work, with skyrocketing gas prices, during dangerous protests, and in in climate weather - all to take remote meetings in a a noisy distracting environment, that smells like human waste.

We Value Diversity
But that's just the smell of collaboration! And an accurate reflection on how much the company values the contributions and work that actually builds the company.

We Stay a Step Ahead
Sure the bathroom maintenance could have been done the previous weekend or after business hours, but how could we smell our own success if we did it while people weren't there to enjoy it.

New innovative product from Oracle: LaaS: Layoffs-as-a-Service :)))

Since someone asked and this alone is one of the best KPI to unlock the hidden potential of the entire vteam I thought we should raise it to a topic of its own. Here is the answer:

Number of times you like, comment and repost the post-it note. JOMO Everyone!

Enjoy the week of notifications ya’ll

Match made in heaven? Or at the local dispensary?

I, for one, welcome our pot smoking robot overlords.

Friday tomorrow, you know what that means, focus room reserved. I’ll be there at 6am with my yeti cup full 3/4 Jack Daniels 1/4 Joe. I’ll spend the morning researching March madness picks and calling my bookie, from the privacy of my office of course. I’ll go for my 30 minute morning dump and then a walk to see some friendlies around 9. Obviously share the sauce. Around 11 I head out for a liquid lunch at a nearby watering hole then take a little siesta in the truck. When I wake up I head back inside to jiggle my mouse and watch March madness games. It’s 2pm before you know it and I’ve hit my 8 hours, weekend is here. Time to close up and head to the bar for a couple more drinks and a basket of wings while I cash my bets. RTO ain’t so bad, there’s really no pressure to do anything besides show up and check the box. Life is good.

I thought a disgruntled employee was popping things in there. scared the heck out of me...LOL

If Oracle had a sound for what it feels like clocking in everyday- it would be the trending tik tok sound of the saxophones growing louder and louder and louder until they axe us all lmaooooooo

Popular Stank Patrick's sayings and their real meanings.

"May the road rise to meet you." – Have fun on your RTO commute

"A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have." – You'll have a chance to make friends in the office.

"May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live." – Stop stealing office supplies.

"May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always have a coin or two inside!" – Two coins. That's your raise.

"Don’t be breaking your shin on a stool that’s not in your way." – You're not getting workmen's comp.

"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow." – Yeah, there's a lot of mold in the buildings but we're not cleaning them.

Told me I could take the day off
:)

https://suno.com/song/93b314bc-10cf-41f5-81ad-79722b7335ee?sh=g2dXF3sFsanr6Pes

All these layoffs and the stock price is still $283.58. Wasn’t that supposed to fix everything? Lol

Twas the night before layoffs, when all through the cloud,
Not a server was humming, thelayoff.com was quite loud;
Pink slips hung by cubicles with care,
In hopes that Larry Ellison soon would be there.
Employees nestled in Zooms, dreaming of pay,
When boardroom clatter arose, bad news on display.
A massive AI rig, billions in cost,
Brought ruthless cuts from Big Larry, the boss.
“Now, Cerner! NetSuite! Cloud, sales, and more!
Slash away all!”—pink slips hit the floor.
He bounded in yacht gear, cigar in his teeth,
Filled stockings with “Fired!”—no mercy beneath.
Cerner’s health tech, NetSuite’s ERP boast,
Thousands were slashed, turned to corporate toast.
Then to his jet, with a whistle, he ghost.
“Happy layoffs to all, and to all a good-night!”

Rejoice in the freedom
Those still incarcerated will be envious

Anyone see the “ATT is He-l” written in sharpie. Cracks me up every time I see it. Also those godda-n elevators are so slow

Bon fire, Good Will, Mailing it back to Sam and Dan in big box with a large middle finger? Give me your suggestions.

[The arena is packed, the crowd is roaring, and the spotlight shines on the ring. A muscular wrestler with a flashy outfit grabs the mic, flexing his muscles.]

Wrestler: "Listen up, all you fans out there! This is a shout out from your pals at UHC, the champions on the blue side of the house! And let me tell you, we’re fed up with this Optum quagmire, brother! It’s time to shake things up!"

[He paces the ring, pointing at the audience.]

Wrestler: "That’s right! UHC is bringing back the Super Connectors, and we’re gonna give it all away for FREE! You heard me, folks! FREE! No more waiting around, no more games!"

[He raises an eyebrow, leaning closer to the camera.]

Wrestler: "Now, I don’t know if this big announcement is gonna drop before or after the next earnings, but mark my words—there’s a major cut coming to Optum! They won’t know what hit ‘em!"

[He gestures dramatically, as if flipping a switch.]

Wrestler: "And our inside girl? Oh yeah, she’s in the orange room, ready to turn off the lights on this whole operation! It’s time to shine a spotlight on the real champions, and that’s UHC, baby!"

[He flexes again, the crowd erupts in cheers.]

Wrestler: "So get ready, because we’re coming for you, and we’re bringing the heat! UHC is here to dominate!"

[He drops the mic, striking a pose as the crowd cheers. UHG CFO body slams OI CEO and people rush the ring.]

this happened to me with Wells Fargo and I decided I had to break up with them after half my life banking with them. my conversation with customer service was hilarious though:
WF: can I ask why you're leaving us today? me: your interest rates are making me broke WF: I can totally understand that. let's continue with your cancellation

I’m listening to the AI session and the BOAs and FAs are absolutely unhinged 😂 It’s honestly hilarious and kind of refreshing how funny everyone is. At one point someone asked, “Can Copilot tell people to mute their phones?” and I lost it.

Every time I walk around the office and see anyone with Eliza on their screen I just shake my head. Beside the fact that it’s not very good, I think it would be quite amazing to see the EC crash out if they saw a fat 0% use rate when they obsessively check the stats. I know our wonderful pals in Pune would never cooperate though

Sit back, relax. We will continue to contract out all the actual work. Do a bit every day, just to stay in shape, everything else will be contracted out.

My direct either has a fetish for Victorian English or they are using weird prompts in AI. I kid you now, it feels like it was written as if he were going to be laid off anyway, It was great! Stupid and great. Though I guarantee he had no clue what half the words meant.

Hi folks Raul here

Got to present to Morgan Stanley investors on the 2nd March. With the share price cratering in freefall they aren't buying my AI story.

I was going to tell them Employees are fully trained, engaged, and on good pay.

Execs are top notch winning new clients.

The company processes have been streamlined and i have reduced 3 layers of Management.

Customers are loving DXC in the nps scores.

We are going to get growth, obviously won't say in which decade.

Anymore ideas? Do you think i have a chance? Will they believe me.

We should spray paint a square on the sidewalk so everyone knows where to stand for their #cubepic

1. Jumped on an sec update call so my name would be noticed and solved Wordle in 3 tries!
2. Bumped my used couch and lowered the price on alt-classified. Found a smoking deal on a few used Star Wars figures!
3. Took a long walk through the buildings using the bridges and took a big dump. Walked fast to look busy.
4. Joined an incident slack channel and asked for status to look like I was involved. Asked a d-mb question that was answered 3 posts previously (oops!).
5. Went to a meditation class and then a fun e-bike ride through campus!
6. Bought some cheap blazer tickets on alt-tickets.
7. Spent a couple hours on the van but only saw cleats.
8. Asked why the stock wasn’t rising on alt-personal finance. Wow, so many answers from people!
9. Calling it a day. Winning!

Each time they say AI or India, take a sip. Too bad it's a webcast, would be funny to all give a "wow" emoji reaction each time.

DXC shares are now priced about the same as a rotisserie chicken, and yet the chicken still has a better future and its carve out is more predictable. Soon, DXC won’t even match a chicken. It’ll be trading like a pile of leftovers barely worth the plate it’s on.

lol, just LOL

A trio led Cigna’s grand scheme,
To dissolve the American dream.
Eder, Koka, and Cordani’s new plan,
Sent tech jobs to HIH in a far-distant land,
While the locals ran out of steam

dang everybody looking ashy today

Big John, it is time. Please resign/retire and RTF (Return to Family). You deserve to play golf and spend time with family.

Thanks for your service destroying shareholder value and sending AT&T from gold medal carrier to bronze medal carrier.

We need to change the Xerox logo to Lexmark Green so that it doesn't think people of all the bleeding of money and people that is happening. Green is a much more positive color.

Ka-CHUNKKK... Ffflluuuuuuuuuuuu-shhhhhhhh... Glub-glub-swirrrrrrl-GULP... Hssssssssssssss... (drip)... click

With all the cuts and layoffs, I'm starting to worry I won't live to see the day.

…….and for that reason Steve, 👉🏻 YOU’RE FIRED